Trying 2 Practice What I Preach (The Good, Bad & Ugly)
Hi guys!
Sorry I’ve been absent from the blogging world for awhile but my parents are 82 and 88 years old and last week they were BOTH admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. I don’t live in the same state as them so I quickly packed up my bags and headed home where I immediately entered a very stressful, emotional and exhausting situation. I’m happy to report that they are both now home and slowly recovering but what I really wanted to share was my real world examples how hard it can be to put all these secrets and tools into action when you really need them.
To deal with an emotional crisis, where a crisis really can be anything that’s getting you very upset, my advice has been to sit with the emotions, to feel the emotions, to meditate and to try to stay in the present moment or the Now. In particular, staying in the present moment or the “Now” has always stood out to me as one of the most important tools. Basically it’s not worrying about the past or the future and not letting yourself imagine some worst-case scenarios that your mind starts to believe. It’s just staying where you are and dealing with what you know.
I’m here to tell you that it was really really really hard to practice what I preach but I’m also here to tell you why that’s ok.
Staying in the Now when your parents are both sick is really tough. Your mind starts to imagine the worst. You worry about what tomorrow will bring. You worry about what you will do if one of them should die. You wonder if they will get sicker. You even start planning funerals in your head. I know you don’t need more examples of the crazy and upsetting stuff I was thinking (and I know you have your own upsetting stuff to deal with) but suffice it to say, my mind was a whirling mess of worst-case painful scenarios. Even while I was doing this though, deep down I knew I had the tools I needed and I knew what I needed to do to stop. That’s where the work comes in and where the rubber meets the road as they say.
Let’s face it. It’s easy to say “Stay in the Now!” when nothing is wrong. It’s easy to say “You need to meditate.” when you can’t even take a deep breath. It’s easy to say “Don’t listen to your little voice.” when your little voice is screaming, crying and taking up all the space in your head. The good thing is that just trying to remember and use these tools and secrets immediately helps you feel just a little better. Trying to use them also makes them easier to find and use the next time.
Knowing that I needed to stop and breathe forced me to do it. Knowing that I needed to stop imagining the worst made me slow down and at least try to stay in the present moment. Knowing that I needed to meditate made me at least close my eyes for a moment to try to take a short mental break.
Was I successful at this all the time? Ha! That’s funny! Absolutely not. But, it helped a little bit and I know next time it will help a little more. The same goes for you. These tools can start to help you even if you just know that they’re out there and you remind yourself to at least try to use them.
So breathe, meditate, silence your little voice and try stay in the present moment.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
Why being grateful is like taking a happy pill.
I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. ~G.K. Chesterton
Doesn’t it seem like some days there is just nothing to be grateful for? You had a fight with your friend. Your parents don’t understand you. In fact, no one understands you. You had a bad hair day. You’re bored. Niall isn’t following you on Twitter.
It’s easy to find all the reasons why we shouldn’t be happy but taking the time to think about a few things you’re grateful for, no matter how small, is like taking a happy pill. It’s an instant mood booster but don’t take my word for it.
Let me explain how being grateful makes you happy.
1. Being grateful makes you recognize all the things you take for granted. I try to be thankful for having a job, a roof over my head, running water, food in my fridge and those kind of things. So so many people in the world don’t have those things and we often don’t recognize how lucky we are to have them. Being grateful for them instantly makes you realize that life could be worse and that you actually have it pretty good.
2. Being grateful for negatives can turn them into positives. Maybe you’re unhappy that you don’t have the newest smart phone and you really want it. Be grateful you have a phone at all. Maybe you’re upset that you’re fighting with a friend. Be thankful that you have a friend. Try flipping your viewpoint of a negative by being grateful for it. All of a sudden, you feel better and realize that perhaps things are not as bad as they seem.
3. Being grateful puts life into perspective. We get so wrapped up in our own lives that we often lose perspective about what matters in life and how good we probably have it. Think about the citizens in Gaza and Israel and how they spend every waking moment worried that a bomb could drop. Think about people in Africa who are dying from Ebola. Think about people who are homeless, hungry, thirsty. Now take a look at your own life. Are your problems that bad? Be grateful that your problems are likely small compared to the things others are going through. This is not to poo poo the challenges you are facing but let’s be honest, things could probably be worse.
So stop for a minute today and be thankful for three things.
– Be thankful for one everyday thing you take for granted.
– Be thankful for a challenge or negative in your life.
– Be thankful that your problems are small ones.
Be grateful. Be happy.
The 9th Secret 2 Living Happy: Practice Forgiveness (& the One BIG Reason U Need 2 Forgive & Forget)
Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive. – C.S. Lewis
What a great quote right? In theory, forgiveness sounds like it should be pretty easy to do and the reasons why we should do it are also pretty obvious. But, if you’ve ever been really hurt (and I know as teenagers you get hurt a lot), you know just how hard it is to let go of that hurt and actually forgive the person who hurt you.
Let’s look at what it means to forgive.
Forgiving means letting go of hurt, anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge. It does NOT mean that you’re condoning or pardoning someone for what they did. It simply means that you’re not going to let that act continue to hurt you over and over and over again. If nothing else, think about the power you’re giving the person who hurt you! You’re thinking about them every day. They’re always on your mind. They pop into your head when things are going well and make you feel crappy. Forgiving them actually takes away some of their power over you and that alone is a good enough reason to forgive them.
This leads me to the one big reason you need to practice forgiveness: Forgiveness gives you a fresh start and cuts the ties to the past.
Not forgiving keeps you chained to the past and, as we all know, the past is over and the place to be is the present moment! When you actively go back to the past and re-live and re-experience painful moments over and over again YOU are the one choosing to go there. You are the one actively choosing to go back into the past and peel off the scab. Believe me, you are not gaining anything by peeling off that nasty scab. All you’re doing is opening up the wound again and again which slows your healing and, duh, it hurts! By practicing forgiveness, you allow yourself to start fresh and live in the present moment. You tear down the wall in your heart and open yourself up to a new and happy present and future.
As usual, Oprah says it best:
“Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.”
So who have you not forgiven? What hurts are you hanging on to? How would it feel to let that pain go? Who can you forgive today?
Practice forgiveness and you may just realize that the person being punished was you.
The 8th Secret: Practice Gratitude
“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get.” – Oprah
Gratitude, grateful, gratefulness, thankfulness, thankful, thanks…it doesn’t really matter how you say it, grateful people are happy people. That’s why the 8th Secret to a Happy Life is to Practice Gratitude.
From scientists to Oprah to religious leaders, everyone has recognized that the more you are thankful for all the good things in your life AND the more you share and express this thankfulness with others, the happier you will be. In fact, a recent study even showed that people who actually needed therapy but couldn’t get it improved just by keeping a gratitude journal. Perhaps even more importantly to you, there was even research conducted that showed that grateful teens are happier teens! Yes, that’s right! You can be a happier teen just by being grateful. (Oh and p.s., grateful teens also seem to get better grades if that interests you at all!)
At this point you’re hopefully saying “Yes! I’d like to be happier by being grateful!” but you don’t know where to begin.
Here are three simple steps to practicing gratitude or thankfulness in your every day life.
5 Easy Things 2 Do 2 Learn 2 Accept Yourself
In some previous posts I shared my cheat sheet to loving yourself which includes the six steps below:
1. Know yourself.
2. Be true to yourself.
3. Accept yourself.
4. Be gentle with yourself.
5. Value yourself.
6. Invest in yourself.
Today we’re going to talk about #3: Accept Yourself.
If you think about the list, it all sort of makes sense so far doesn’t it? First you need to know yourself and understand who you are. Once you’ve gotten that figured out, you then need to stand up for who you know you are inside. Number 3 on this list can be a tough one because sometimes our True Self is not exactly who we thought we were or may be tough to live up to! On top of that, let’s face it, we’re our own worst critics and are harder on ourselves than anyone else is. All that negative self-talk doesn’t help move us forward though, it just holds us back.
Here are my top 5 tips to help you accept yourself as you are:
1) Celebrate and focus on your strengths and positives.
It’s easy to look at what’s wrong. Celebrate and recognize all the things you do well and all the positive aspects of you. Are you great at math but suck at soccer? Own it. Are you great at sports but not really an academic wonder? Own that. Are you a little curvier than your average supermodel? Rock those curves. Is your nose a little longer than your best friend’s? Consider it regal. It doesn’t matter what you’re good at or what you look like, everyone has positives and strengths. Recognize and focus on those.
The 7th Secret: Sit Down, Shut Up & Be Silent
If there is one thing that really smart people throughout the years have figured out, it’s that a key to happiness is quieting our minds and basically giving ourselves a break. We are surrounded by constant noise and stimulation in our lives and our poor little brains are just about on overload all the time. Wouldn’t it be nice to just shut down and take a break from the world now and then? I know turning off your smart phone may actually sound stressful but yes, I’m suggesting that you even take a break from that.
I’m obviously not the first nor will I be the last to talk about the importance of meditation. What’s nice is that while people have been practicing meditation since, well forever, we now have the power of science supporting meditation too. It turns out that, over the years, really smart people have documented the all the health and emotional benefits of meditation. I say all this just so you don’t think you have to take my word for it (even though I am a scientist which must count for something right!?)
I encourage you to google the positive effects of meditation but I’m here to tell you that ultimately, meditation will make you happy and that’s why meditation is the 7th Secret to a happy life.
Secret #7: Meditate.
It’s My Birthday & I Can B P*ssed if I Want To (or: Why Being Your Best Self is Really Hard)
The other day I revealed the 6th Secret which is to Never Take Anything Personally Because It’s Never About You. I truly do believe that life becomes easier to live if you can truly apply this secret successfully every day. The times when I have applied it to situations in my own life have been incredibly freeing. That said, it is very very hard to do (b/c our egos get the best of us) so I thought I’d share an example of how I failed miserably at applying it to my life yesterday (even carrying over to today.)
Yesterday was my birthday. I got amazing gifts from my husband and teen, lots of cards with heartfelt messages and tons of Facebook posts from friends both old and new. I spent the day feeling incredibly blessed until I got into bed last night and started tallying up all the people who DID NOT contact me to say happy birthday. This list includes a few of my oldest and supposedly closest friends AND one of my nephews and two of my nieces. As I lay there all the happy feelings about the day were quickly replaced by feelings of hurt, sadness, self-pity and, I’m not going to lie, thoughts of retribution detailing how I would NOT be contacting them on their birthdays. (Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you won’t still act and think like a child.)
Secret #6 to Living a Happy Life (If U Read Nothing Else, This is the One to Understand)
Ok, it wasn’t my plan to reveal this secret now because I’m a methodical person who likes to work through things in a certain way and, in my mind, this secret actually comes a bit later but I just can’t hold this one back. I think this might just be one of the biggest secrets to living a happy life that you really really need to understand and start applying to your lives now – especially as a teen. Honestly, it’s a game changer & will totally change the way you interact with people.
Secret #6: Never Take Anything Personally Because It’s Never About You
The 5th Secret for Teens: It’s a 4 Letter Word But it’s Not #%&@
Oh #%&@
Ok, the 5th Secret is actually not that kind of four-letter word but let’s face it, we all have moments when pulling out that four lettered word seems like the only appropriate response to the situation (Just don’t tell your parents you curse…we like to think that you never do and never will and will also never admit that you learned it from us.) Anyway, I’m here to suggest that there is another type of response to those situations that also involves a four-letter word and that word is LOVE.
In fact the 5th Secret is very simple – Life is All About Love.
Sound too simple? It probably also sounds very hippie-let’s-all-sit-around-in-a-circle-and-play-guitar-and-hold-hands-while-we-wish-for-world-peace too. At least it does to me. But that’s not the kind of love I’m talking about. I’m also definitely not talking about romantic love which is wonderful and important but I don’t expect you to romantically love everyone (plus it would be weird and I’m not sure exactly how you’d handle all those relationships and heartbreaks but I digress…)
The 4th Secret: Get Ready 2 Meet The Real You
Warning: This might be the deepest or most complicated secret that we’re going to discuss so stick with me and keep an open mind. You can also review the first three secrets listed all in one place in case you want to review before we start.
Ok, let’s go.
Hopefully at this point you’re curious and perhaps even a little worried about who you are if you’re not the little voice in your head.
If I asked you: “Who are you?” what would you say? Our initial instincts are usually to talk about our history.
“Well, I was born in the year 2000 and I’m female and I have a mom and a dad and an annoying younger brother and a cat.”
So now you’ve told me a little bit about yourself but what if I said, “That’s nice but who are you really?”
Awareness/Mindfulness/The Now…Call It What You Will, Just Do It.
So far I’ve talked about becoming aware of your little voice and practicing awareness and the importance of practicing present moment awareness or staying in the Now. Because I want you to have and know how to use all the tools in your toolbox, I should also talk about mindfulness. Honestly, I don’t really care what you call it nor should you. If you’re getting hung up on terminology you need to let go a little.
Mindfulness is just another term you can use to think about being in the moment or present or aware or being in the Now.
One definition of mindfulness is:
A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.
The 3rd Secret:To Get Over Sadness You Must Feel Sad. What the %&#?
I’m sitting on my deck reading Panache Desai’s new book “Discovering Your Soul’s Signature (which you should definitely check out because it’s chock full of examples for young people. It’s really not another secret adults are keeping from you though I doubt anyone will recommend it to you so it will seem like a secret but I digress…) Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the book.
So, I’m reading the book and it’s day two of the book’s 33 day journey which covers the topic of sadness and how we try to cover up and not feel sadness because that would be too, well, sad. But I read this line and the seeming obvious silliness of it struck me:
“Live in the truth that vulnerability is power. Live in the truth that your sadness makes you human.”
What the &*%? It seems silly right? It actually almost seems ridiculous! How can being vulnerable (or weak) make you powerful? How does being sad make you human?
When You’re Really Mad or Sad, Practice Awareness
It’s easy to say “Practice Awareness” but it’s actually not that easy to do. Our minds our usually whirring along as fast a hummingbird’s heartbeat (which, if you didn’t know, is really really fast) so it’s pretty easy to ignore all the random thoughts and usually useless information going by.
One way to learn to practice awareness is when you’re really emotional about something. If you’re really angry or really sad take a moment to listen to what your little voice is saying. Chances are once you start to focus on it, it’s going to quiet down a little bit. It’s almost like it gets embarrassed that it’s been caught talking in class or something.
Only you will know what it’s saying in this moment of high emotion but I can almost guarantee that it’s only adding to the drama.
The 2nd Secret for Teens & a Super Ego Squishing Tool
Remember Secret #1? You are not the little voice in your head.
Well, here’s #2.
Secret #2: You do not have to listen to the little voice in your head & there are Super Ego Squishing tools to help you do this.
Here’s Super Ego Squishing Tool #1: Practice Awareness.
The first step in squishing your ego and silencing that little voice in your head (well, at least making it quieter) is just to become aware that it’s talking. If you are just sort of aware of it but you don’t really give it the attention it wants, it starts to quiet down.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not easy. In fact, that little voice will probably initially be thrilled that you’re paying attention to it and may even seem to talk more but when you start to really bring your awareness to it, it starts to become a little more quiet.
You’ll be amazed at how vocal that little voice is and how much you were actually listening to it when you start to focus your awareness on it.
The 1st Secret of Life for Teens (shhh, don’t tell adults you know!)
Ok, let’s cut right to the chase.
Here is the 1st Secret from the Handbook that adults haven’t bothered to tell you.
There really are two parts to this secret but we’ll start with the first half today.
1. You are not the little voice in your head.
Oh come on, you’ve heard this little voice before right?
Let’s do an exercise right now so you can formally reintroduce yourself.
The Secret Handbook 4 Teens 